As the mother of a son, you have to go into grandmotherhood with a little secret tucked into the back of your mind. That secret is, that if he gets married, and has children, love up on them as much as you can, because if something happens in his marriage, and his wife leaves, you may never see your grandchildren again.
I’m not here today to point fingers, or to place blame on either one of them, my son or my ex-daughter-in-law. What happened in their marriage, in their home, between them, is not my story to tell. In fact, it is all none of my business and I know it. What IS my story, is that I have called myself the Fabgrandma for more than 10 years, and now that two of my grandchildren have been removed from my life, I feel like a fraud as a grandma. Even though I love those little ones so much that my heart may never heal, I still feel like I am not a good enough grandmother to be called FAB.
Even though there are four other grandchildren that still live close by me, and I try to see them when I can, my heart just hurts more when I see them. I guess it’s because the older two, Michael and Sarah, have lost their little brother and sister. I know that Sarah is heartbroken too. And, Spencer and Parker have lost their cousins. By the time they get grown up, they may not even remember their names, much less what they look like.
My ex-daughter-in-law left back in May, I’m not sure of the date. I know it was after Easter last year, because I was planning a big family dinner and Easter Egg Hunt at my house. They didn’t come, and I was so disappointed. I haven’t seen Owen and Amelia since before Easter 2016. I was not give the opportunity to say goodbye to them, and that was a big big hurt.
So, one day in December I went to the mailbox, and there was a Christmas card postmarked from England. There was no return address, and no personal message written in the card. Their mother had signed both Owen’s and Amelia’s names to the card, even though they both can write their names. I was so stunned to get that card after so long a time, months long, that it was like a sharp knife plunged into my heart. I cried every time I looked at it.
Then, a while later, I received another envelope with a postmark from England, and no return address. Inside the envelope were two hand made Christmas ornaments. One was signed on the back, again in their mother’s handwriting, Owen. The other, Amelia. There was no letter, no scrap of paper in the envelope, to tell me what these were, that they missed me, that they love me, nothing. I have received nothing since then.
It is really hard to feel like a granny, a grandmother, much less a fabgrandma, when I don’t hear from my little loves. It’s hard to try to think about what they are doing, where they go to school, if they are making good grades, if they have accomplished big things, when I don’t even get to hear about it. I am missing out of their lives. More so, they are missing out on having a grandma.
The pictures in this post were sent to my son, and he sent them to me. I don’t know why I am cut out of their lives entirely. Have any of you had this happen to you? Mothers of sons, wrap your heart tightly to your grands.
Susan Chester says
March 9, 2017 at 11:37 pmI am praying that you get to see your little loves before they grow up too much. Praying that their mother realizes how much she is hurting you and them and makes you a part of their lives.
Donna George says
March 10, 2017 at 12:34 amI am sorry you are going through this. This reeks of parental alienation. Does your son get to see his kids? My ex took our son for 7 months, and I thought I was going to die, literally. So I can relate. I JUST started talking to my ex’s daughter, whom I helped raise. She had cut me out when I divorced her dad, even though I had always been there for her, including at the birth of her son. So I do understand. I hope your son, at least, gets to see his kids. And if not, please help him, and yourself.
Pam in Louisiana says
March 10, 2017 at 6:48 amIt seems that life is so unfair some times. I think we as grandparents are the ones that seem to hurt the most in times like these even though the parents and siblings have to be devastated as well. It breaks my heart to hear your pain. I will keep you, your son and his children in my prayers.
Liz says
March 10, 2017 at 12:41 pmWow, that’s crazy. Hopefully the grandkids are enjoying England, at the least.
Andrea says
March 10, 2017 at 12:54 pmI’m sorry for your sadness and That you don’t get to see those babies anymore. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers and just remember I spend time and love on those other grand babies as often as possible .you never know what is around the corner and remember to lean on God, he’s always there.
Ellen says
March 10, 2017 at 1:24 pmI am so sorry for your pain, I can not imagine how hard that must be. I hope that one day you are reunited before too much time has passed.
Brenda Sewell says
March 10, 2017 at 6:11 pmWow Karen….I am so sorry to hear all this, but never think you aren’t still a “Fab Grandma”. You are fabulous because you hurt for them because you love them, long to see them, grasp every memory and probably held those ornaments close to your heart. That makes you a FABGRANDMA…not the time you get to spend with them or how close they are. Believe me, they can live close to you and you still not get to see them, hear from them much, etc. Just keep them in your heart and prayers….someday you just may hear how often they thought of you, wanted to see you, hear from you, hug you….don’t underestimate the power of your love for them and their for you. It doesn’t comfort you now, but keep loving, even from a distance.
Ellen LaFleche-Christian says
March 10, 2017 at 8:16 pmI cannot even imagine how horrible this must feel. I’m praying that you have some sort of positive news soon.
Beverly says
March 10, 2017 at 8:57 pmContinue to keep them in your heart and thoughts. Have patience. When I read your blog, I feel wounds all around. The wounds will have to heal and healing takes time. Your blog is public so stay as positive as possible. It is enlightening to note that your son has contact and that is a good thing. You still get to see photos of them. By the way, they are precious.
Anne says
March 11, 2017 at 8:17 amIt’s the deep, enduring, unconditional love in your heart that makes you a Fab grandma, for the grandchildren near and far. I’m sure your sorrow is equally deep, and I’m sorry you’re in such an untenable position. Just hang on to that love–concentrate on that.
Elizabeth says
March 12, 2017 at 12:40 amSo so sorry, Karen…do not let this make you feel like a failure…who knows what causes people to make the choices they do. And estrangements happen when no divorce is present too. We seldom see or hear from our only son and his family either. We do have other grandchildren and daughters too…fortunately. I have strong belief in the next life and how there will NOT be such allowed there!! I am counting on that myself… Your son must have allowed them to leave the country…usually in divorces you have to stay in the state you divorce in. Remember the Carpenter’s song? Bless the beasts and the children, for in this worth they have no choice, they have no voice…etc. I often think of it. Hugs to you and you do have way too much company in this camp, my dear!!
Elizabeth says
March 12, 2017 at 12:41 am*world, not worth…sorry
Rosie says
April 20, 2017 at 12:56 pmMany times people don’t realize how many people can be hurt in a divorce. I’m sorry for your loss, hopefully things will get better soon. I do know people who have had their grandchildren withheld from them and/or told their grandmother doesn’t love them on top of not seeing them, and I know how devastating that was. It is a loss for the children, too, of course, as nobody can replace your grandma. I was named after my grandmother who died before I was born, and I have thought about her so much, I wish I had been able to spend time with her.