There are many things on my mind today that I need to talk about, mostly to get it off my chest, but also to let you know about them.
In 1979, my youngest brother, Bobby, was the victim of a freak accident that killed him. He was a truck driver, and had arrived at his destination. He was walking around looking for someone to accept his freight, when two heavy boxes fell off of an outside elevator. One hit him on his chest, the other hit him on his back. The impact of the first one exploded one of his lungs, broke his sternum, and bruised his heart. The one that hit his back broke his spine. He lived for three days before passing away. He was twenty two years old.
At the moment of his death, I was sleeping in the ICU waiting room. I was dreaming that Bobby was walking across a green field towards a fence. On the other side of the fence, were people who had passed on before him, and they were all waving to him to come and welcoming him to the other side. He had his back to me, but he turned around and waved to me and smiled. I thought that it meant he was going to be ok, and the dream made me feel happy for him. However, just as he had turned to me and smiled in the dream, I was awakened by a loud alarm, which was the code blue at the hospital. My brother had just died from his injuries.
A little while after my brother died, someone gave me a copy of a book called “Life After Life“. It was about people who had died, and then been brought back to life. Nearly every one of them described walking across a green field towards a different place. It was then that I understood that the dream I had was my brother saying goodbye to me.
My Father passed away in November, 1992, just a few months after Fabgrandpa and I got married. Daddy had cancer of the liver. He was diagnosed the week of Halloween that year, and died the week of Thanksgiving. It was so fast our heads were spinning. I don’t know if he made his last wishes known, but he did have a funeral, and was buried next to my younger brother, Bobby.
During the last couple of days of Daddy’s life, a couple of things happened that have stuck with me for nearly 22 years. The first thing is that he wanted each of us, his five remaining children, to come in one by one so he could say goodbye privately. When it was my turn, I went in and sat in the chair next to his bed. He was lying there with his eyes closed. He started talking to me, telling me how much he loved me, how proud he was of me in my life, and blah blah blah. Then he opened his eyes and looked at me, and said “Oh, I thought you were _____” (insert name of one of my siblings here). Then he proceeded to tell me what he really thought of me. Yes, I am an adult, and he was on his deathbed, and I should be able to just let it go. But that was the last thing I heard my father say to me, and it still hurts.
The second thing that happened was at the time of my father’s death. Several of us were at his bedside, and he was gasping for breath. My brother leaned over and told Daddy that it was ok for him to go. And Daddy died. And at the moment that he died, the tornado sirens started alarming in town. My sister said he went out on a storm. It would seem so.
As you may know if you have been reading my blog for a while, my mother was in the hospital and then in a physical therapy rehab facility for about three months last year. She is 85 years old and mostly in good health, but she woke up one morning and couldn’t get out of bed because she felt dizzy and nauseated. My sister called 911, and they carted her off to the hospital. Mama spent a week in the hospital, with no real diagnosis. The doctor felt that she was better enough to go home, so she did. She spent one night in her own bed, and due to the same symptoms and very high blood pressure, she wound up back in the hospital for another week.
At the end of the second week, the medical providers had decided that she had a UTI and had her on an antibiotic to clear it up, and had stabilized her blood pressure, and said she was well enough to leave the hospital. However, she was not able to get out of bed by herself, so she was not allowed to go home. Her doctor told us the best thing to do was to send her to a rehab facility, so we did. Mama was angry at us for sending her there. It was the best thing to do, though. She spent about ten weeks in rehab, and had intense physical therapy every day. She didn’t like it, didn’t like being there, but when she did get to go home, she was walking better than she had in years.
When all this happened, Mama did not have a will. My sister, who is the main caregiver for our mother, told me that every time she has brought up making a will, Mama has gotten upset and says that she thinks we are trying to rush her death, or something like that. But after the experience of last summer, she did finally decide to get a will made. I’m not sure, though, if she has a Do Not Resuscitate Order (DNR). I’m not clear on what her wishes are for a DNR, whether she wants or does not want to be resuscitated if she has a terminal illness occur.
The whole reason I thought about whether or not my Mother has a DNR or not is that my father-in-law (Poppa) did have one. He has been a pretty tough guy all these years, and has spent the last twenty or so years taking care of my mother-in-law (Nana), who has several health issues over the years, and has not been able to walk or get up by herself or quite some time.
Nana has been in and out of the hospital for several years. Three years ago, she fell and broke her hip, had hip surgery, and went into a rehab facility and stayed for about three months. Physical therapists at the facility worked with her every day during that time, but she never did regain her ability to walk. In January of this year, she was hospitalized, and spent months there. She was transferred to a rehab facility, and then to a nursing home, and just went home at the end of May.
Sometime during the time that Nana was gone away from home, Poppa had a stroke. He was living alone but had a care giver who came every day to check on him, and do things for him. I’m not exactly sure when he had the stroke, but I do know that when we went to visit in May around Mother’s Day, he seemed to be fine, his old self. When we saw him next, he was in the same nursing home that Nana was in. That was at the beginning of June. He was still walking with a walker, and still talking and making sense, even though he did slur his speech when he was tired. He went home from the nursing home the next week, and on Father’s Day, we drove up to visit.
The Father’s Day visit was a very sad one for me. Poppa was in a wheelchair, not able to walk. He could still talk, but he was very difficult to understand. He asked to go out on the porch, then he wanted to go inside, several times. When his care giver served his lunch, he was sitting in his wheelchair next to me at the kitchen table. He sat there for a couple of minutes, looking at his food as if trying to decide how to eat it. Then he asked me to feed him. It was all I could do not to cry.
One day a couple of weeks ago, Poppa was taken to the ER during the night, but refused treatment. He has a DNR, so the ER sent him home, and set up an appointment with a hospice provider. They set him up on in home hospice care. When we visited with him on Sunday, June 22, he was in a hospital bed, sleeping for most of the time we were there. I went over and held his hand, and told him I loved him. He squeezed my hand hard, really hard, and said “I love you too, Sweetheart”. I know he knew it was me. He has called me Sweetheart for as long as I have known him. He passed away in his sleep on June 26.
Poppa’s told everyone what he wanted for after he passed away. He will be cremated, and did not want a funeral. He wants everyone who loves him to get together and have a party. So, we will be having a Celebration of Life party for him next week. It will be odd going to his home with him not being there, but I will see him in every one of his children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. He was a very loving and kind man, and has many people who loved him. It will be a great party, I am sure.
After thinking about all this over the past couple of weeks, it feels right for me to let my family know what I want after I am gone. I know they don’t have to honor my wishes, but if they do, here is what I want. My first choice would be to be buried wrapped in a shroud of cotton fabric (one of my quilts if possible) at Milton Fields in Alpharetta, Georgia. It is a “Green Cemetery”, and allows you to be buried directly into the ground without being embalmed. This allows your body to go back to nature, the way it was intended to be. If that is not possible, my second choice is to be cremated, and have my ashes scattered at the Grand Canyon North Rim up by Point Imperial.
Have you made a will? Have you told your family what you want to happen after you pass away? Death is a part of life, so it is important for every one of us to make a plan, and let our family and friends know what to do.
Gina says
You are braver than I. We’ve had do deal with 2 deaths in our family this week ourselves, we dont have a will, and especially with kids, I know we should, but my anxiety gets a hold of me and it scares me to death. Dying is a part of life, but it’s one of my worst fears!
Pam in Louisiana says
We made a regular will, as well as a living will about ten years ago and we are so glad we forced ourselves to do it. We only have one adult child, so naturally all goes to her when we are both gone, yet whichever one of us are the ‘survivving spouse’ has control of everything until the last of us passes away. When our daughter passes away everything she still holds from ‘her inheritance’ from us will go straight to our only grand-daughter. It was so good to have a lawyer to tell us in the correct legal terms what we tried and explain to him in our simpler terms what we truly wanted in our will. We both chose the DNR, but as you stated that can be over-rided, but our wishes will be on paper.
People just have to get this done for their own piece of mind, it keeps hard decisions off our childrens/loved ones’ shoulders in a difficult time. Those with younger children should definately make that appointment to get a will written and legalized. It gives the satisfaction of knowing where and whom will take care of their under age children, and they would be so glad to have it already decided and in writing, they will be making their choice in who would be raising their children until they reach adult age. For adult children it can prevent major battles and upsets over what each sibling receives after a parents’ passing, as well as having a named executor so that they know who will oversee the final choices which they have made.
Making a will doesn’t make or mean a sentence of immediate death, it’s giving peace of mind for when that time does eventually come way down the road of life, so we can get out there and live life to it’s fullest with peace of mind! .
FabGrandma, I really like your final resting place decisions. It’s just ‘so you’. What a series of events that has happened over the years with your family and in-laws. It seems we all have unexplainable or hurtful things that happen during our lifetime that can’t be explained.
My mother is in an alzheimers wing at this time, and she chose the DNR also. She’s had such a full life, at least until daddy died five years ago today, and she’s never got over that. I hope I can let her go to be with him with grace and strength at my side when that time comes. It’s all she’s wanted in the last five years.
Great post FabGrandma!
Linda Sewell says
Mama has actually had her Will for about 6 or 7 years now and yes, she does have a “Living Will” and it is DNR. Took me making her mad to finally get her to have one made, but I told her that it wasn’t fair to me for her to die and not have one. Had to actually make a “mock” Will that she didn’t like…she is so stubborn sometimes. Alan and I have had a Will for about 20 or so years. We also have Living Will’s. I NEED to amend my regular Will because I have decided that I want to be Cremated and my ashes dumped off the back of a Cruise ship by Stefanie…she’s always wanted to go on a cruise…not me 🙂 It’s really important for EVERYONE to have a Will even if you think you have nothing to leave…it let’s people know your final wishes.
Linda Sewell says
and I don’t know who the “sibling” was that you speak of that Daddy thought he was talking to, but he never told me any of those things either.
Robin {Mom Foodie} says
It is so essential to discuss these things while everyone has their wits about them. My dad has been in & out of the hospital, and close to death a few times, so it has been on my mind.
mamadweeb says
wow, this is a very heavy post. I admire you for sharing it with the world. I don’t think I have listed my wishes on paper, but I’ve thought about it. Thank you for sharing your heart!
Kecia says
Growing up, my grandfather always told me I would have the land and house he lived on/in when he was gone. Since he didn’t have a will when he passed, his siblings took over everything and one moved in a son or daughter (they weren’t very close).
Being in our 30’s, my husband and I haven’t discussed this at length, but I know we should. We have children and a home that we need to decide what to do with, should anything happen to one or both of us.
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moscatomom says
I do not have a will, but Mike and I have both discussed what we want when each other passes. It is a sad but necessary conversation.
faithandfamilyreviews says
We don’t have a will yet but are waiting for our girls to get older, I had my aunt die last week too. We have had so many deaths in the past few years especially in my family.
Sarah @ Must Have Mom says
It is soo important to have a will. My husband and I try to keep ours updated, for our children’s sake.
sippycupmom says
My husband and I don’t have a will. With 3 kids, I know we really need to get it done. I have tried to tell my husband my wishes if something happened, but he gets too sad to talk about it.
Penelope says
Oh my gosh, these are so sad 🙁 I can’t believe your brother died at 22, he was a baby, that is so heartbreaking…I just cried me whole way through this post, Karen, you’ve been through a lot! No wonder you have such a tender heart.
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting says
We haven’t discussed much about what to do after we die. I’ve often thought about writing a letter to my family, one that they could read and keep after I pass that would help them (not so much of a “do this” or “do that” letter). I don’t know, though, about what sort of arrangements I would want. My husband, being military, had to have a will created.
Denine, from WeKnowStuff says
Karen, it breaks my heart to read about all the tragedy that you have been forced to overcome in your life. But it takes an extremely strong and determined person to share her thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others. Reading about your life has shown a different perspective on the idea of death and that not everyone is ready in more ways than one.
Jen - Life With Levi says
Hugs and prayers. Losses are never easy to deal with.
Teresa Foskey says
Death and Dying are one of the subjects that people to hate to talk about but I can tell you as a social worker who worked in a Hospice these discussions need to be had. The fights between family members who “think” they know what is best for a loved not only tear families apart but rob you of the precious time you have left to spend with your loved one. I think as soon as you turn 18 you need an advanced directive. This is sort of like a will but it more pertains to what you wish to happen to you if you are unable to make medical decisions for yourself. Here is a website that you can download the one for your state with directions on how to fill them out and file it. http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3289
My heart breaks for you and all the pain you have gone through with your family Karen. ((Hugs))
Liz Mays says
That’s fascinating about your brother waving to you right before he passed. I do have a will, and I’ve made it very clear what I want when I die, but ultimately they’re gonna do whatever they want.
What's That Smell? ~ Kim says
I don’t have a will but know that I should. I’m sorry for all of the losses you have endured, your plan sounds lovely. I didn’t know that there was such a thing as a “green” cemetery, that is interesting.
Shell Feis (@NotQuiteSusie) says
I am so sorry for all of your losses. Your father in law sounds like a wonderful man and I hope the Celebration of Life party is comforting. I don’t have anything written up for when I die but I have had the discussion with my husband. I really do need to get something formal drawn up though.
geogypsy2u says
An incredibly moving story. But it’s so true that with life comes death. The best gift we can give our loved ones is our wishes upon that time of our passing, or just extremely sick. Sounds like it will come naturally to celebrate the life of your loving father-in-law. Hugs to you both.
Jane Doe says
It is a very tragic story. But death is the reality of life. We have to accept it. But the important thing is we don’t take care of our elders when they are in need before the death. We always remember them after the death. I am giving Home Care Green Valley to my parents, and i am very satisfied from it.