Welcome to my new weekly column, Dear Fabgrandma. Today’s question comes from an anonymous reader:
Should a grandchild be treated differently because they are not blood?
That is a really great question, and one that can apply to a lot of families today. I know it is very relevant to my own family. Of course we all know that step-children and adopted children should all be treated the same as blood related, (born of the son or daughter of the grandparent) children. But because this question has to even be asked, we all know that they are not always treated the same by the step grandparent or adopted grandparent.
In one family that I know of, there was a very obvious disparity in the way blood grandchildren and step grandchildren were treated by the grandmother. It was especially apparent at Christmas, when it was time to open gifts, and certain ones received a whole lot more gifts than others. It was very hard to stand by and watch the hurt on the faces of innocent children when that happened. There was one Christmas in particular when one member of that family left half of her children’s gifts on the kitchen table when they left, and told the grandmother that if she could not treat all the children the same, then she did not want her children to be part of it. That simple act and statement led to that person realizing what she was doing, and it never happened again.
There are several things that you can do to help the step-children in a situation like this:
1. One is to just not go to visit that grandparent, which probably won’t happen, but it is a solution to the problem. You as an adult owe it to your children, all of them, to protect them from being treated as second class in that situation. Even the children that are being treated best can learn the wrong lessons from it.
2. Second, if you want things to change so that your children will have happy visits with their grandparents, you need to open a dialogue with the person who is showing a difference, and tell them what you have witnessed and that you would like for them to stop doing it. This conversation should take place somewhere where the children will not hear any of it.
3. If you have had the talk, and the disparity continues, tell the grandparent that you will not be coming back until they can treat all of the children the same. Then keep your word.
Do any of you, my readers, have advice or a different answer to this question? How does your family handle a similar situation?
Wow – I am shocked to think that anyone would treat grandkids differently like that. Both of my kids are adopted, and they are SO LOVED by everyone in my family that I cannot even imagine a scenario where they could be loved or treated any better.
I do think that all parents need to put their children first, so if you feel your kids are made to feel “less than” their cousins or siblings, then I would definitely avoid the person making them feel that way – until the person changes his/her ways.
Great advice.
That makes me sad that the question even has to be asked! 🙁
It hurts my heart to even think an adopted child is not being treated as well and as equally as a blood relation. I could not even imagine… All children deserve our love equally and unconditionally regardless of blood.
I think it’s obvious they should be treated the same. My son was welcomed into my husband’s family, and we have welcomed other children who have joined our family.
We have welcomed my former sister-in-laws new child in as a member of our family. They are invited, along with his father, and my niece and nephew to family functions. It is not right that there should be a difference in the way you treat a child. You are right that this teaches negative lessons to the favored children. It’s sad that this happens because everyone should have room in their hearts for a child.
My step-mom is a wonderful grandmother to our boys. She thinks no differently because they are not blood related. The boys see how much she loves them. I wish all grandparents acted that way.
My husband and brother are both adopted, and they never experienced too much controversy. In truth, for them at least I think they are their own worst.
I have a niece that is not blood – I treat her just like she were my own daughter. I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I don’t have any advice on that situation. It’s kinda tough, though. Thanks for addressing it.
Sometimes it’s blood relatives against blood relatives and that can be difficult too.
I know exactly what you mean, Tonya. It can be very difficult when grandma favors one child out of three siblings. That is when you really have to put your foot down and tell the offender to stop it.
My step-Dad adopted me when I was 13, but he was Dad when I was 2. His entire family took me in and has treated me no differently than his blood children. It’s awful that people would consider treating children in a different manner. Great tips!
I think you have some great tips. Exactly the way i would handle it. No child should be treated differently by anyone.
I think you honestly covered this topic rather well. This is such a great list of suggestions. I had an in-law that definitely had issues with step/adopted grandchildren and accepting them.
According to her, she couldn’t acknowledge them as part of the family because that wasn’t the way God intended it to be. That was a hard pill to swallow. She was from the older generation too. I personally didn’t have to deal with the conversation, and have to commend the people who did that they tried to make the same points you did.
Who does this site? I found it awhile ago, and can not find what I am looking for now….It was to ask Fabgrandma a a question ? I have gone back over the info about 3 times and still do not see what I saw the first time…..I want to ask question, but not leave my full name, and it said you could leave any name you wanted to…..