Today is my birthday. Last year on my birthday, I was in the hospital fighting for my life. I was unconscious, and had tubes running out of every place they could run out of. When I finally came to after 34 days in the hospital, I had been operated on five times, and had lost part of my colon, had a colostomy inserted through my abdominal wall, and the fascia layer removed. I have been in pain every second of every day of the last year.
Some days I try to remind myself that the pain lets me know I am still alive. Other days, I wonder how long I can go on living in pain, with no end in sight. I have changed my life completely. Before the surgery, or let’s call it BS, I was a park ranger, living at the Grand Canyon North Rim for six months out of the year. I loved to sew, to hike, to DO things. I had hiked every trail at the North Rim except for the rim to rim one. I knew I was not fit enough to tackle that one.
I enjoyed sitting at my sewing machine, making things. I made quilts, baby quilts, tote bags, wallets, all sorts of things. I loved to go places at the spur of the moment. A jump in the truck to go to Florida, or Arizona, or Tennessee, or Alabama was nothing but fun. I had plans to plant a vegetable garden and flowers at our house. I dreamed about painting and hanging pictures, and decorating the walls. I wanted to build a barbecue grill and a patio, and raised beds for my flowers.
Now, I sit in my recliner and play games on my iPad. I sleep a lot. We did go on a four day vacation to Florida last week, but I have spent the last five days recuperating from that trip. I still can not put my shoes and socks on by myself. I can not reach my feet to wash them in the shower. I need help getting in and out of the car. I can not reach things in the lower cabinets or the higher cabinets. I can not do the things I want to do. Some days, I don’t get out of bed. When we go shopping, I use an electric cart.
Really, I try to be happy. I try to look at this like “I am still alive”. I still get to see my grandchildren, look at videos of Becca’s new puppy and laugh at his antics; I still get to talk to my sister and friends on the phone. I haven’t written much about this because I don’t want to sound like a “oh, woe is me” or have a pity party for myself all the time. But, just for today, I am going to try to be happy that I have made it one more year. I’m going to try to think that in another year from now, I will not be in pain anymore. What I want for my birthday is to not be in pain. Not just for today, but for every day for the rest of my life. Who can give me that?
Why are you still in pain, Karen? Have the doctors told you? Should things internally not have healed by now? Somehow that just doesn’t seem right. I know how you feel about sitting around, I don’t do much more than that either and mine is only food related. I’m so tired by noon that I have to take a nap and often that winds up as an all afternoon nap. But there are people much worse off so I keep plugging!
I wish I could take the pain away. Time for a new way of life. No easy. But you Can Do IT!
Happy Birthday to another year of LIFE!
HUGS
Karen – as a RN of many yrs and a woman of your age – I am so sorry for your chronic pain. my heart goes out to you, I suffered for many yrs from abd pain undiagnosised Celiac disease and had a run with polymyalgia. I have cared for many many patients with chronic pain and their worlds are turned upside down. Please hang in there. We are all one inch away from a curve ball that will alter our life and the lives of our closest family. While I am not a terribly religious person – I do believe that God gives us the strength to handle what is thrown our way. Best wishes.
Happy Birthday! OMG…getting older is not for sissies! I went from an active 65 year old four years ago to a person in recovery from Scleroderma complicated by Valley Fever. I did nothing for three years and never knew what the next day would bring. I’m better and back to surrounding myself with flowers and making greeting cards which I love. I know you will do better. We have two friends who went through hell with their colostomies and are back to their vibrant selves. One friend is 87 and the other is our age. The one our age had his reversed. Give yourself time to heal; try not to feel guilty for things you cannot do right now. Your body has been hit hard and needs time. Know that you have friends who care. Hugs