Have you ever experienced one of Those Moments? You know, the ones where you realize without a doubt that what you want is out of your reach? That happened to me today at my appointment with The Best Doctor In The Universe. For simplicity’s sake, let me just call him TWOO, short for TheWizard Of Oz. Why? Because, in That Moment when TWOO was telling me the reasons why I can not have the reversal surgery done, my brain started playing a loop of the song that Dorothy, the Lion, The Scarecrow, and the Tinman sang as they danced down the Yellow Brick Road towards Oz:
“We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard Of Oz! We’re off to see the Wizard, because , because, because, because, because, because of the wonderful things he does!”
While all of that was going through my head, as soon as I realized what TWOO was telling me, my throat started closing up, and I couldn’t breathe. I started crying and couldn’t stop, and I couldn’t say anything to anyone because I had no air in my lungs. It was as if The Best Doctor In The Universe had reached down my throat and grasped every ounce of air I had in me, and yanked it right out, along with every last hint of Hope and every last moment of Joy. For those few minutes in The Best Doctor In The Universe’s office, I felt the complete absence of all three of those elements of life.
I don’t know what the opposite of hope is. I wouldn’t call it despair. No, it was just the lack of hope for what I wanted for myself.
And the truth is, he didn’t actually say NO, you can not have this surgery done. What he actually said was “Because of your diabetes, because of your weight, because of your three prior surgeries, because of the extent of the surgery necessary to make you whole again, there is a 20% chance you could die on the operating table.” And while an optimist would say that that leaves an eighty percent chance I won’t, I can not put my family through the worry and angst that I might not live through it.
The Best Doctor In The Universe was truthful and blunt, just like I think a doctor should be. I don’t believe that any doctor should make you think things would be ok if they might not. Especially if that doctor is The Best Doctor In The Universe, TWOO, and has done acres of research into the thing you need to have done.
After The Best Doctor In The Universe left the room with his entourage of interns and medical students, an RN sat with me giving me some options for pain management, light exercises I can do for movement, suggestions for some psychiatric follow up. I couldn’t stand up and walk out of there anyway right at that moment, because I was too blown away by what had just happened.
So, Fabgrandpa and I got in the car and drove back home. I will be calling in a day or two to set up appointments with the Pain Management Clinic in Carrollton, as well as looking for a psychiatrist who specializes in helping people who have had drastic changes to their bodies. It is what I can do for now.
So, my question for you is: is you had something wrong with you that needed to be fixed, but there was a 20% chance you would die if you did it! would you go ahead and do that thing! or would you say No?