I have been rolling this post around in my head for quite some time. I know you all have seen all the nice holiday gift ideas on my gift guide.I have had fun doing the gift guide, but what I haven’t been doing is writing anything personal in the last month or so. I need to fess up, and let you all know that things are not alright on the home front.
It has been a little more than six months since my surgery, where I was hacked up by the doctors and given a colostomy to save my life. And yes, I do feel on some days that I should be happy that I am still alive, but the truth is that on MOST days, I am mad. Depressed. Lost.
There are many things at work here that make me mad. Yes, just plain mad. Mad that the surgeon who operated on me left as soon as my surgery was done, to go to Haiti with Doctors Without Borders to operate on Haitian children. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge the children getting their health taken care of. But, because I couldn’t pay my bill, this same doctor’s front office people wouldn’t make an appointment for my 3 month follow up visit. So, to heck with an old lady in the good old USA. And they say we have the best healthcare system in the world. Yeah. IF you have insurance or can pay a bill that is $27,900.
The same thing happened with the gastroenterologist who consulted with the surgeon. They called ME to schedule a follow up visit, but when I told them I couldn’t pay their bill, which was less than the surgeon’s bill, they also refused to schedule a visit. So, here I sit, 6 months out of surgery, still in pain every day, but have no idea if I SHOULD still be in pain or not, because neither one of the fabulous doctors who saved my life cared about anything more than their bill. Oh, and those Haitian children. I wonder if they are going back down to Haiti to do follow up on them?
I’m mad that the first hospital I went to, you know, the one that sent me home and said there was nothing they could do for me? They sent me a bill for $93 for telling me they couldn’t do anything for me before sending me home to die. Then they sent it to a collection agent. And when HE called me I told him the same thing I told the hospital when they called me to collect: I’m NOT paying that bill. I know it is ONLY $93, but they sent me home to die. I am not going to pay anyone who would send me home to die. The collection agent said “Well, it will sit on your credit report forever.” And I told him I didn’t care. Because I have about $400,000 or so in medical bills that I can’t pay, so $93 isn’t going to matter. It’s just the principal of the thing, you know. They wouldn’t help me. But they want to be paid. Hhahahahahaha!
I’m depressed because I can’t do things a normal 60 year old woman should be able to do. I can’t put my freaking socks on by myself. I need help getting in the shower. I can’t get pots and pans out of the bottom cabinets, and I can’t get things out of the top shelves either.
I can’t sweep, mop, or vacuum. I also can’t dig, rake, or plant bulbs or asparagus roots outdoors. It is painful to sit at my sewing machine and sew. And you KNOW how I love to sew. I can’t get in and out of the truck by myself. I can’t go anywhere by myself, because of that. I can’t lift anything over five pounds, so when my new grandson arrives in January, I’m hoping he is not very big. Maybe I can hold him for a little while, but as he grows I won’t be able to pick him up.And because I can’t sit and sew, he won’t be getting a quilt from his granny. That bothers me a lot.
Because I can’t lift anything over 5 pounds, I couldn’t help with moving our stuff out of the RV into the house. I can’t paint the walls. I can’t shake the rugs out. As a matter of fact, my husband does everything around here. Everything. I DO still cook, but he has to get the pots and pans out, and get stuff out of the cabinets for me. He’d probably do the cooking, too, if I would let him, but I NEED something to do. Something that makes me feel normal.
While I SHOULD be happy to be alive, happy that the doctors out in Arizona saved my life, I feel like they played a huge part in me almost dying, too. I have no idea why they waited 13 days to do anything. They knew when I checked in at the emergency room that I had an intestinal blockage.
So, why the wait. You’d think that with five or six doctor’s looking up my butt, and doing enemas three times a day with nothing passing, that they would just all agree that nothing was moving out of there, and just gone ahead and done the surgery. But no. They waited 13 days, until I was throwing up feces, to operate on me.
So, by the time they did the surgery, my abdomen had been distended for three weeks, and I am sure the intestinal tissue had also stretched. So, two days later, the repair to my intestine ruptured. I developed peritonitis, and they had to reopen my incision. And by incision, I’m talking about a cut that was 12 inches long, from right below my breastbone to my hoo-ha. And the stitches to close it up were four inches wide. When they opened me up the second time, they left me open for four or five days. Why? Because they had to “clean out infection.” I don’t really know the answer because I was unconscious for most of that time.
It was also during this time that the doctor removed the fascia layer in my abdomen. The way he explained this to my husband is this: The doctor said to him “tighten your stomach muscles.” He did. The doctor said “She doesn’t have that anymore.” So, I have no “core strength”, and that is quite painful. Every day.
I went to the doctor here in town the first week after we got home. I spent most of the time in her office crying. Fabgrandpa told her I was crying a lot, which I didn’t even realize at that point, but yes, when I thought about it, I was crying a lot. Every day a lot. She prescribed an antidepressant and some pain meds. She said she had no idea why a doctor would leave me in such a condition and not prescribe pain medication. The anti-depressant is helping, but I think I need a stronger dose. Which brings me to where I am now.
Last week, I went over to the county mental health office for an evaluation. They agreed that I am depressed, and signed me up for some appointments with the doctor and the therapist there. I think it is a step in the right direction. I also need to find a gastroenterologist in the area, so I can just go in and get looked over, and make sure things are ok. I think I would feel a lot better about things if I knew for sure that I am healing as expected after the surgery that I had.
And so, there you have it. The reason I haven’t written anything personal. Because I feel like no one would be interested in just another old lady talking about the things wrong with her. Because I don’t feel like my life is interesting anymore. Because I can’t do the things I want to do, and have nothing much to write. I don’t go anywhere, except to the grocery store, with an occasional stop at a thrift store if I am not worn out. Tell me you love me and that I am pretty. I need to hear it.
Canadian Mom Blogger says
I love you Karen. I think of you daily and pray for you always ((((HUGS))))
De says
Karen, you are one of the most beautiful women I know. I love your accent when I watch your videos, I love your laugh and sense of humor. I love your creativity and I love you.
Henrietta says
Oh Karen! You are loved! It angers me to think about the stupidity of so called smart doctors and hearing about how they could care less to do a follow up with you is heartbreaking. You are beautiful, inside and out! It sounds like you’re heading down the right road with the therapist, I hope that the medicine starts to make a difference and that you continue to heal! Thinking of you and praying for you!
Ali Workentin says
Karen I am so sorry for your struggle and I love you so much. You are such a sweet friend and I wish I could come and give you a big hug and sit and share a cup of coffee. Hugs my friend.
Sandy says
i sure wish i lived closer so that i could give you a hug…and get your pots and pans out for you. i would love to help you if i could. i am sure that the weight of the doctor bills is impeding your recovery as well. have you given any thought to a law suit? i know it is ugly, but if you can at least get your bills expunged you would have more freedom to move forward. give fabgrandpa a hug from all of us and tell him that we said ‘thank you’ for taking such good care of you. oh yeah, and you sure are purty!
laura says
I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure all that. It is not right and I hope you find some doctors who will help you and treat like a person and not just income.
Terry R says
Karen,
Thank you for getting it out and letting your friends know that you are in pain and need their help. I have missed hearing from the Karen that I began following your blog for; the kind, beautiful, caring person who shared their love of and ability in quilting and sewing, and talked openly about celiac disease and gluten-free eating along with the research and recipes so that other people could benefit. You have so many readers who have fallen in love with the beautiful person that you are. I really hope you can feel the outpouring of love and the virtual hugs that are heading your way. Talk to us and let some of your emotional pain go.
The doctors that released you without any follow-up should not be allowed to practice. That is the depth of cruelty and total absence of the Hippocratic Oath they vowed to keep!
Keep on writing and sharing, please?! We care. <>
Karen says
Terry, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I appreciate everything everyone has written so far.
Elizabeth says
OH SOOOOOOOO SORRY to hear of all this…the truth of the matter is, you probably have more than reasonable cause to file a suit against such horrid medical practice!! HOW AWFUL!! It used to be that hospitals had to have a fund for those who could not pay. My parents had huge medical bills that were crossed off (and paid from this fund) several times in their lives. All you had to do is find out what day you had to be in line to see the person dispensing the funds. That meant getting up early and getting in line, but it was worth it…in your case I would say take your own chair to sit in while going up the line, with hubby in tow of course. Meanwhile, think about getting a lawyer. I do not generally believe in suing doctors, but in your case I think you should. GET THOSE QUACKS THROWN OUT!! They are a disgrace!! No wonder you are depressed. Sounds like you need a very expert surgeon to try to fix you!! Take care…prayers being said for you.
Gaelyn says
I Love you strong and beautiful woman! Please use caution with the anti-depressants. Berta said her too many years of use felt like a flat line compared to the up and down ride of life. Hoping the local help can get you through along with that marvelous man, and you.
Linda says
My Seester……..I’m sorry that you are going through this. I wish that the Dr. that you went to see last April, the one that you went to see the first week you got back, had ordered the Colonoscopy that you practically begged her to order but wouldn’t because she thought you couldn’t afford it, had just had an ounce of human compassion instead of thinking about the all mighty dollar. I wish a lot of things for you, but all I can do is pray that you will have good days ahead of you and that you will get some of the answer’s that you need. Most importantly…..I love you and I think you ARE beautiful <3
Virginia from That Bald Chick says
You are a kind, loving, generous, creative, and beautiful woman. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It stinks. I pray for you and Mr. Marvelous, and hope the local doctor’s can help you! Love ya.
Bethany Larrabee says
I am so sorry Karen. Sending big, but gentle hugs your way.
Pamela in Louisiana says
I’m wondering if your states’ attorney generals’ office would be able to take your complaints/concerns concerning the Arizona doctors ‘refusal for surgery followup’ and help you with that, or at least offer you a direction to go concerning the doctors denial to offer you the basic followup of the needed after surgery care. Seems like there should be some kind of ‘medical patient rights’ group out there that could help. Maybe one of your blog or Facebook fans will know of any agencies of that kind. If nothing else go to a hospital in your area and ask who to talk to about patient rights and tell them your situation and maybe they can help steer you in a good direction. It costs nothing to take the time to ask. I’ve definately learned that in my 62 years of living, and I definately have more time than money at this point in life!
As we all now know, you have physical limitations at this time. But dear beautiful 60 year old woman…we’ve all learned from your brilliant blog writing, Facebook and such that you definately have an outstanding brain, and there is one thing you are definately able to do at this time! Hit the internet and search, search, search! Consumer advocates, consumer rights, the right to after surgery medical followup care, etc. Your medical healing should be priority at this time.
I want to say that I agree with Gaelyns’ friend about the use of anti-depressants. Definately use them if/when you need them, but not for extreme long term use. Been there, done that myself, and my end result was to stop taking them after they ‘took over me’. Like a muscle relaxer or even pain killers they tend to relax or slow down everything in your body and that can include that pretty little brain of yours if taken long term…as in years.
I’m sure that you’ve probably thought of all of the above already, but just one comment on your blog or Facebook may be the very one you need to hear, or haven’t thought of yet, so I hope all of your readers will post their thoughts and ideas, and I hope you’ll read and appreciate every one of them as they are offered in love and concern.
You seem to have a good man on your side, so let that thought keep you up on down days, even when you want to clench your jaw or growl at one another…be thankful. I know from experience, I’ve been going through a little medical challenge myself for the last two years, and many a day I’ve had to clench my jaw, walk away and be thankful at the same time! ha..You’ll be in my prayers..so keep your blog going stronger than ever…you definately won’t bore me, no matter the subject of the day.
One more thing…Crying doesn’t cost a penny, it’s just a cleasing of the soul…do it when you feel the need (I’m a professional at it)
Melinda@LookWhatMomFound...andDadtoo says
i’m so sorry you are going through all of this. My family has been without insurance for a couple years butt thankfully we haven’t had any major issues, I fear for that day.
Keep reaching out for support and love, there is always something there to listen. Research for doctors or organizations that might be able to help financially.
Rachel says
Wow, Karen – I am so sorry. This is awful – I agree with you for not paying that bill. I’m so angry and upset that they left you there for so long knowing what the problem was but not doing anything about it. My heart is broken that you’re feeling so sad right now – I wish I could be there and help you.
I knew things were bad while you were in the hospital, but hearing everything straight from you is absolutely astounding – everything you went through. It is a miracle you survived, but your post-op treatment is horrible and appalling. I can’t believe you didn’t even have pain medicine!!
Sending you my love and hugs – is there anything I can do?
Pam Ridgely says
Karen, I’ve been following your blog for a year or so. So sorry to hear of your health issues. Are you going to stay put in your house now or what? If you are, I would call the local hospital and talk with the Social Workers there. They might be able to help you get some kind of financial “help” or at least get you on medicaid. They could point you in the right direction, maybe even a Dr. who does “free” care.
I hope to see you blogging soon that you are feeling better. By the way, there is nothing wrong with anti-depressants to get you thru this time. Take care of yourself.
Elaine says
Blessings on you and yours!
Elizabeth says
Thinking about this has bothered me…found a bit of info online. The name of that program to help those with huge bills and no insurance (or maybe it does not matter even if one does or does not have insurance) was called the Hill-Burton Act. Someone my parents knew who worked at the hospital told them about it…generally hospitals NEVER tell it. I am not sure it is still in effect however, but I have found a couple of articles online that could help maybe:
http://www.stretcher.com/stories/980923c.cfm and http://www.hrsa.gov/gethealthcare/affordable/hillburton/
I encourage you to HUNT online all you can and if I come across any other information, I will certainly send on to you. I will ask our Rabbi too if he knows anything…recently he spoke of how they helped a man who was still wanting to work but could not due to needing hip replacement, to get the surgery done. SO soon he can return to supporting himself. You have proven your desire to keep working…that SHOULD help someone to look at your case in that view. If you know any immigrants they may well know how to work the system…some of them surely do anyway. Someone suggested calling the state’s attorney…and it would not hurt. You can often get free advice from them and if they decide to “sniff around” on your behalf…you may get someplace…no one wants them investigating anything!! In years past, and we did have insurance, they tried to get out of paying for things they should have covered. I had to do a lot of information gathering and had to send off a huge file of it to the state insurance office, but the insurance compaines had to call me to apologize and pay up!! I hope you can find some kind of insurance you can get. Some states have a kind run by the state for those who do not make enough to pay for it otherwise (we had that when my hubby was out of work and we lived really slim for the 20 months he was out of work…had to go to only certain doctors on their list…but it was covered except for $10 co-pay). That was Washington state.
Blessings!!
Joan @ Gramcracker Crumbs says
Hugs and Blessings to you, Karen! This brought tears to my eyes; not just because of your struggles, but because of your bravery in writing and sharing every horrid detail!!! I too have had bad experiences with Docs and I know the frustration. Stay strong and enjoy the love and warmth of this holiday season.
I hope besides your wonderful husband, you have other family and friends around to give you support and cheerful doses of laughter and love!
Joan
Emily says
I love you so very much and you are a beautiful woman. I know that it is hard for you to forgo doing the things that you love, but now is the time for you to heal. Parker is going to love you no matter what you are able to do for him. We will find a way for you to snuggle with him as much as possible. You are a strong woman and you will get through this with the help of Fabgrandpa, me, and all of your friends out there. <3
Julia says
Oh Karen my heart breaks to hear this update. You should have received much better care then you did and I am sad that you aren’t able to sew. I hope the GP gets you to the right doctor to help you get back to some semblance of normal. (((HUGS)))
marilyn register says
Karen, All these weeks have passed and every time I came to your blog I found no post from you. I knew you were hurting and trying to get help. I have followed your blog for years. I know you are a beautiful, strong, giving and caring person. Karen, All these weeks have passed and every time I came to your blog I found no post from you. I knew you were hurting and trying to get help. I have followed your blog for years. I know you are a beautiful, strong, giving and caring person. You have been there for so many of us with your honest and forthright discussions on many subjects. You said what needed to be said and were so up front we applauded you. We grew strong from your courage to speak out on subjects we found embarrassing to talk about. Your honesty helped us to comment and find help on issues we found too embarrassing to ask help for. Now is your time to feel the prayers, love and support we send your way. I wish I had an answer to help you. I can only suggest you contact any support groups in your area and ask for help. Maybe someone from one of these groups can head you to someplace for help. Maybe a support group for chronic pain or a support group for celiac disease. Contact the Social Worker at the hospital for information on local support groups. It doesn’t make any difference what they support because maybe there is one person who attends the meeting that may have a connection to someone to help you. Definitely talk to an attorney and see if they would take your case on a contingency basis. The worst they can tell you is no but they might just tell you yes. Don’t give up Karen. No one should be treated like you were. There is help out there and I pray your readers or friends or family can find just one person who can offer a suggestion that will lead you to the medical help you so desperately need. Maybe even a support group for caregivers. The more people that are involved in finding an answer for you the better. Don’t overlook any group. The one you overlook may just have someone there who has an answer. You are a strong Georgia Bull Dog and you will prevail. Hug and kiss that wonderful husband of yours and know we send our love and prayers to him as well. Talk to your local pastors. Have him ask for contacts the VA may know about. I know there is an answer and help out there for you. Hang in there woman we applaud you and your honesty and we need you !!!!!
Olivia Rubin says
No words to make you feel better, but I wanted to say thank you for your honesty. It’s ironic how the Internet brings people together that you wouldn’t otherwise even know, yet still we don’t know the pain others are suffering from each day. May some relief be sent to you soon.
Diane S says
thoughts are with you. sorry to hear about your pain and suffering, hope you find relief soon.
Ann says
I love to read anything you write, you shine through like a star.So sorry to learn about your appalling medical treatment, i hope you can find some reassurance soon.
Please don’t stop writing!
Anne Swain says
Dear Karen,
I read your blog for inspiration in my own life. I never would have guessed your mental state. I suggest you consult with a social worker to help you with your depression and your financial state. You should be receiving full disability and Medicaid. You need to tell any bill collectors that the charges are in dispute and contact a lawyer about suit against the doctors and the hospital. They have violated your patient rights. I know its is easy for me to sit here and tell you what you should do but just try attacking one problem at a time and prioritize your efforts. Each day you do something, anything, is a victory, so you need to acknowlege that . I pray for you daily and hope that you can get some relief from your pain. Cronic pain is most of the reason for your depression. The medication is a tool to help you deal with your situation. Don/t be afraid to take it as you gain strength and healing. In my state (NJ) we have charity care for citizens with limited income. You need to put your energy into your own healing. God bless you and your husband. Take pleasure in the simple things, family, love and faith.
Gabrielle Pearson says
I’ll be praying for you here as well. I feel terrible that you are having to go through such terrible and painful things! While I am glad that you did survive such a problem I wish that things were going in a positive direction. Keep your head up and believe me there are people that care 🙂
Susan says
Karen, my biggest fear is to be a burden to others when I am old. You are not that old and with the correct help, you should be able to fully recover and live the life you have planned. Go to those new doctors and find out what the hell is happening! Don’t be passive with your health…your life is at stake!
Bonnie says
Karen, I hope that you get relief from the physical pain that you have. No one understands what that does to your mental situation until they go through it. It really sounds like there should be legal help for you for how you were treated before and after the surgeries. I have been on a downward spiral for the last 5 years after surgery followed by complications and aggressive auto-immune disease. I too am so thankful for a caring and dedicated husband who does the household chores, takes me to appointments and tries to keep me from losing hope. The worst part is to see him unable to enjoy all the things we had planned to do during our retirement. I wish you the best and you are in my prayers.