My son was stationed in England with the Air Force for 7 years. While he was there, he met and fell in love with a very lovely girl. Sarah and her daughter, Mia, who was 18 months old, moved in with my son and grandson. She was in the middle of an ugly divorce from her first husband at the time.
Two weeks after she moved in with Seth, her ex called and asked if he would have Mia for the weekend for a visit. He came to pick her up at the appropriate time, but when Sunday evening came, Mia did not return home. On Monday morning, Sarah went to the town two and a half hours away to collect her daughter. When she got there, she found out that the ex had arranged for a child custody hearing, of which Sarah was never notified. The end result of the hearing was that the ex got full custody of Mia, with no visitation rights for Sarah because she failed to appear at the hearing.
Sarah has grieved for her daughter ever since, and in hindsight, I think she may have blamed Seth for losing her. I know this sounds insane, illogical, but where a mother’s love for her child is concerned, sometimes nothing seems logical.
I have known for some time that their marriage was not a perfectly happy one. One or the other of them have called me over the years to confide in me, to ask me for advice, to just pour out their frustrations to someone who would listen. I have tried to be fair and open with both of them, sometimes even feeling more akin to Sarah’s needs than my sons simply because I understand what betrayal and the loss of a child feels like.
The summer of 2007 we worked in Pennsylvania just to be close to them because they returned to the states. We spent almost every off day with them, spending the nights at their home, cooking, playing dominoes, scrabble, watching movies, and just being with them. When our grandson, Owen, was born in September 2007, we were there as soon as we could be, helping out when Sarah had to return to the hospital with a viral infection. Owen was even named after FabGrandpa for his middle name. We were in love with Sarah and Owen, as much as in-laws could love a daughter in law.
For the last few months, Sarah has talked about going to England, because her ex contacted her, and said that now that Mia is five years old, she is asking about her mother and wants to see her. I have been supportive of her going, because I thought it would be good for her to see the child, and have some kind of relationship with her. But, my son has been telling me that Sarah was calling her ex, and making plans to go back with him. I found that hard to believe, because Sarah was telling me that she loves my son and was only talking to her ex to make arrangements to see her daughter.
So, when Sarah called me last month and asked me for a loan to buy her ticket to England, I happily sent her it to her. She assured me that she was only going to be gone for two weeks, and that they would pay me back in December.
Yesterday, my son called me. He said Sarah left on Monday, on her jet plane to England. When she did not call him to let him know that she and Owen had arrived safely, he started calling the phone numbers that were in their phone. The last phone number she called before she left turned out to be her ex. The ex answered the phone and said, “Yes, she’s here. And she’s not coming back.” Seth said he did talk to Sarah, and she said the same thing.
I have many feelings about this turn of events. One is that I have been betrayed. I feel so bad that I am the one who gave her the money to do this. Yes, if I had not sent it, she would have gotten it somewhere, somehow—but to call me, the mother of the man she left, for help in leaving him, that feels so really really wrong to me. And if I feel betrayed by this, how much so does my son feel?
I also feel so much less of a Fab grandmother and more of a Fraudulent grandmother, knowing that I had any part to play in the loss of our grandson in this way. I have spent so much time, counseling her over the phone, telling her that she needed to get some professional help, marriage counseling, grief counseling, a therapist for herself.
And almost every time I talked to her, she would tell me troubling things about my son, that I found really hard to believe, but tried to because she sounded so convincing and because I loved her so. And she would always say, “I am not a liar, this really happened.” In just those words. Why would I not believe her? Until now, when I think back over those conversations, and those I had with my son, and wonder what was true and what was not?
I really think the signs were there, and I just didn’t want to acknowledge them. For one, after I sent her the money, she stopped answering my emails and chat requests. Then, she deleted her MySpace account. And then the day before she left, she also deleted her FaceBook account. We have used those two for sharing pictures of the children for as long as I have known her. So, what am I to think now? My son said the last thing she did before she left was to have their home phone number changed. That part is really strange to me, I have no idea what to think of that.
I also can not understand a woman’s motive for reconciling a relationship with a man who treated her so cruelly as far as her child is concerned. She told me many times that her ex was controlling, and that she had no freedom at all when she was with him. That he left her with no money, no car, no phone, so that she was isolated and had no one but her child to spend time with until he came home. But now I wonder about that, too. Was there another reason why she lost custody of her daughter? But then I think, she was an excellent mother to Owen and Michael, her step-son. I am just so confused, I don’t know what to think.
I know my son is not perfect, but neither is she. They weren’t perfectly happy, but who really is? All marriages, especially in the beginning, when there is little money and new babies, can be hard to be a part of. So, please, help me make sense of this nonsense…..
Burgh Baby says
I’m so sorry. That is just an awful situation all around. Just awful. I hope Sarah comes to her sense and realizes that it’s important to let everyone continue to see your grandson.
Sandra says
Wow, that’s quite a tale. It sure sounds like this lady has problems. Too bad they involve your grandson and your son. I feel for your family.
Yarntangler says
How awful for you and your son and Michael. he’s lost a Mom in the bargain. Our prayers go up for a swift resolution. Owen is a US citizen. There must be something that can be done.
lupingirl says
You know how I feel already. I am just as confused and upset and betrayed, but there really seems to be nothing to do about it but grieve and move on.
Talina says
Some ladies are just confused. My younger brother had a child with a girl who seems similar to Sarah. She comes and goes on a whim and it is all very heartbreaking but nobody can do anything.
They just need to figure it out for themselves, it is sad but some people are lost and confused and they hurt those around them.
Hugs, I am so sorry for the betrayal.
Gaelyn says
I’m so sorry Karen. You should have no guilt about being the money loaner as you did that in trust and faith.
I agree with yarntangler, if Owen is a US citizen something can be done about getting him back home to his father.
Ultimately, Sarah is the looser. It’s a very sad situation.
Hang in there.
teeni says
You couldn’t have known what was in her heart and as you said, she would have gotten the money some other way if not through you if that is what she really wanted to do. It is awful that she used you that way and that she is cutting off contact between her son and his natural family – she should know how hurtful that is since she went through it as a mother. I think you have every right to feel anger at this betrayal and since she lied right to your face about coming back there is no reason for you to put any stock in anything else she has said. You know your son is not perfect. Nobody is. But you have to see that if she lied about one thing she could have lied about many/all things. So the best you can do now is be there for your son, forgive her in your heart because she obviously has issues, but you do have the right to be angry and confused. Who wouldn’t be?
Dee says
i am troubled by this post, I don’t know what to say. You only did what you did because you are a loving mother in law, don’t feel guilty, she is the one that manipulated you.
I can’t imagine what is going thru her mind. Will her ex be kind to Owen? That is my concern.
My thoughts are with you and prayers too!
Devi says
Being manipulated for any reason is horrible. I fully understand that. some people are born being able to twist people and their feelings to suit their current needs/wants.
We trusting folk are the ones who always get hurt. My heartfelt empathy for you and your family.
speaking of legal, passports? and fleeing the country… smells like trouble for her.
Cheryl says
Oh, this is just a heartbreaking story. I’m going to be a grandma in late February/early March and if this were to happen to me, I, too, would be devastated. I’m so sad for you. Just remember, though, TIME heals all wounds, so maybe she’ll get over her snit fit and come back to reality!
Susan says
It’s not nonsense that you gave her a mother’s unconditional love as if she were your own daughter. Don’t let her actions change you from being the type of person you seem to be.
If it’s meant to be, then one day she will understand how she hurt people and will try to fix things. I just hate that your son’s child is so far away.
Christine says
She sounds like one messed up girl. I am thinking there must be more to the story of her loosing her daughter. I find it hard to believe that she simply lost her because she missed the hearing because she was unaware of the hearing. I think that she would have had to be aware of the hearing from a legal perspective for the hearing itself to be legal.
I have known and had experience with some very smooth manipulators during my lifetime. They tend to be very self centered people and have no pity for other people except for themselves. It is like there is something missing in their souls.
I do feel bad for you. You did love her and probably still do. It hurts when somebody we love betrays us. We also tend to want to give the people we love the benefit of the doubt sometimes to our own determent.I know that I have been there and done that. Don’t beat yourself up for this. It sounds like to me that you did your utmost for her. You should be proud of that. You give her the best possible chance of making a good life for herself. I am hoping that she will have learned something very valuable from you, that is how to love.
I would advise your son to check out the legalities of how she removed an underage American citizen from the country. Hopefully something can be done.
I will pray for the return of your grandson. My heart breaks for you. That loss is a very tough thing. Hugs to you from one grandma to another.
Christine says
Sorry, I’m back. I thought of one more thing while doing the dishes. In order to stay on Great Brittan your grandson will have to be granted status as a landed immigrant (assuming that he is American?). I don’t see how this can be accomplished without his fathers approval? Something to look into.
Karen says
Christine: He is looking into the legal aspect of it, and has found some things he can do. Thank you for the suggestions.
Everyone: thank you all for your kind words. I don’t hate Sarah, I still love her. I just think she has been driven to insanity by the loss of her daughter and she hasn’t given much thought to how what she is doing now is hurting everyone else.
Lori says
Karen I am so sorry! How is your son holding up, has he had any contact with them since this first happened?
IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP says
wow that is a wild situation
terri says
You can’t take any blame for this. You only tried to love and understand your daughter in law as much as you possibly could. How could you know that she would lie to you so outrageously? She needs help. For her to believe that she can go back to the ex and be happy, content and normal… she is lying to herself. I’m so sorry this happened to you and to your son. I really think it’s not over yet. Someone who behaves as she did won’t be able to stay put for long where she is and she’ll be back wanting forgiveness or help again.
Cathy says
Oh Karen, you did nothing but try to share your love with another person. That can’t be wrong.
Although she seems to be in a difficult time right now, hopefully your positive influence will play it’s part and she will make a good decision about your grandson and bring him home soon.
My thoughts will be with your family. Cathy
Linda's Place says
wow, I had noticed that Sarah had deleted her myspace page today when I tried to go on there and leave her a comment. I haven’t been on here in a few days to read your posts….I guess I’m the last to know. I do tend to agree with some of the folks that commented. Owen is a US Citizen and I would think that with Seth being in the Military, there would be people that could help him seeing as this now seems to be a case of International obduction. Shame on her Sarah. She of all people should know how something like this hurts. Thanks for letting me know. Your Seester
Mary says
What you did, you did out of love and, unfortunately it became a learning experience. You know the old saying: “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice..”
I’ve been thru something similar concerning grandkids, and I know how it hurts. All I can say is “what goes around comes around”.